Bazza and his mates discuss Albo’s phone call to Donald Trump to talk tariffs while Mick makes a quick phone call to The White House to prove a point, writes John Longhurst.
BAZZA TOOK A GENEROUS SIP of his schooner but his smile was tentative.
“Well Ron… Albo was on the phone to Trump for forty minutes discussing an exemption from the proposed U.S. tariffs on our steel and aluminium. I reckon that is a good sign.”
Know All Ron chuckled softly.
“Now come off it, Bazza. It would have taken forty minutes to explain to the President that tariffs are a tax that U.S. citizens pay on imported goods. It drives the cost of imported goods up and protects the inefficiencies of U.S. companies competing against Australian steel and aluminium imports. I hope it was a Zoom meeting enabling Albo to slowly walk Trump through a PowerPoint, or the like, outlining the basic economics of a tariff.”
Bazza closed his eyes for a moment, rubbed his chin and nodded at the schooner as Mick positioned himself at the bar table.
“Ahhh….Bazza, going into bat for Albo. I have to admire your loyalty. Getting your hopes up over a forty minute phone call to The White House has very little meaning. Watch this…”
Mick pulled out his mobile phone, googled ‘The White House’ pressed speaker and called. He positioned the phone in the centre of the bar table. Within moments the call was answered by a booming recorded Donald Trump message.
Mick set a timer on his watch.
“Thank you for calling The White House. Your call is important to us. If you are ringing to say something nasty or fake, you are highly likely to be not very smart, so don’t waste my time and hang up now…loser. Otherwise, select from the following options.”
All eyes were on Mick’s phone.
“If it is Vladdy or Benny press 1 and you will be put straight through.”
Bazza shook his head.
“If you are enquiring about some beautiful waterfront real estate in Gaza and would like to get in early press 2.”
A few bars of The Beach Boys cover of Under the Boardwalk by The Drifters followed.
Schooners remained untouched around the bar table and jaws dropped.
“If your country or even part of your country is up for sale press 3.”
There was a slight pause in the recorded message followed by the increasing volume of waves lapping. The President’s voice was now a purr.
“Are you stressed and in need of a break? You should consider a stay at the Trump International Beach Resort in Miami. It is five-star luxury with an eighteen-hole golf course. The food is beautiful too. Press 4 and tell them I sent you for a great deal.”
A number of the pub’s patrons were now milled around the bar table as the angry Trump returned.
“If you are ringing to complain about being deported press 5 and you will be transferred to Joe Biden. He is the person who let all you criminals into our beautiful country.”
The recorded Trump message went through a range of other options as well as more advertisements for Trump resorts, Trump merchandise and the Trump meme coin. There was even an option to pay for a fashion consult with Melania Trump.
Timeless Tom was beginning to nod off as Trump trawled through more options.
“If you wish to discuss my beautiful tariffs press 18.”
Mick looked at his watch and let out a loud belly laugh.
“There you go, Bazza. Thirty-nine minutes to get to the option to discuss those ‘beautiful tariffs’. We can only assume the call with Trump went for a minute.”
John Longhurst is a former industrial advocate and political adviser. He currently works as an English and History teacher on the South Coast of NSW.
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