From ‘This Moment,’ by Beesan Nateel – ARABLIT & ARABLIT QUARTERLY

The poems, essays, and genre-encompassing reflections in the THIS MOMENT section of the ArabLit Quarterly Spring 2024 “Gaza! Gaza! Gaza!” issue were curated by issue co-editors Muhammad Zaqzooq and Mahmoud Al-Shaer.

By Beesan Nateel

Early in the morning, I shook off a fear that had wrapped itself around me at night, as the sounds of bombing continued to reverberate deep inside my body.

I sat and contemplated everyday domestic sounds, searching for something within them that might contain a ceasefire. I imagined carrying suitcases toward my house, and only my house. On my way there, I wondered what condition it might be in. I prayed that the chickens would still be there, alive, chasing the neighbors’ goose. I prayed that my father would be there, leaving out some of the leftovers of our Friday lunch for the neighborhood dogs, and all the while our cat would be there too, perched with her kittens on the bulging roots of the olive tree, stalking the birds flying around them.

It would be a day on which I hugged the stoic tree in front of our house.

How did you spend your day?

Sleeping.

I worry that I will get used to displacement. I fear that the very idea of calm and safety are now being fixed as far away from our house. I flee my feelings by sleeping, hurtling toward my true subconscious; I relive my reality while asleep.

How did you spend your day?

Being scared.

I am searching for the meaning of our lives—of life—in war.

Nothing has any meaning except imagining what will happen to us and our bodies when the bombs fall.

How will we die? In one piece, two pieces… three? Will we be just body parts?

Where will our blood splatter?

What does death look like at that moment?

Will there really be an angel there checking up on how faithful we were when alive?

Who cares if we die?

How will others know what happened to us?

How long will it take for them to hear that we’ve died?

What picture and text will be used to sum up our lives?

What will our lives look like in just a picture and some text?

What about our dreams, our hearts, our memories?

Our past and your present?

How did you spend your day?

Searching for answers.

I wish I could finish writing the whole story…

February 15, 2024

Beesan Nateel is a writer from Gaza and author of the children’s book Crazy Luna (Luna al-Majnoona).

The poems, essays, and reflections of THIS MOMENT were translated and edited by an ad hoc collective that includes Asmaa Abdallah, Ranya Abdelrahman, Marilyn Booth, Ibrahim Fawzy, Katharine Halls, Yasmeen Hanoosh, Michelle Hartman, Kay Heikkinen, Nada Hodali, Tala Ladki, Luke Leafgren, Addie Leak, Becki Maddock, Nashwa Nasreldin, Leri Price, Khaled Rajeh, Perween Richards, and Nancy Roberts.