Detail of The Cholmondeley Children at Houghton Hall by Dickinson
Last month I spent tons of time going to the hospital for cancer tests. Which means I got clarity about what was really important: getting dressed for doctor visits.
I felt way too tired to stick to my regular routine of promising to post on my blog and then not doing it, but I didn’t want doctors to think I’d given up on life. So I tried to dress like a glass-half-full person. But all my clothes are either work-from-home-pajamas or pitch-a-company-black. Whatever, it turns out that focusing on being optimistic is not a way for me to feel in control.
Don’t take things personally
When Z realized doctors were looking for cancer, he got a new job. He said, “We’re going to need money if you die.”
I wanted to be like, I’ll take care of that. But we all know I can’t even handle money even when I’m alive. I didn’t say, Money gives choices not control because what if the last thing he remembered about me was I was bossy and critical? I tried to be supportive. So I said things like, How was work today?
He said someone wanted their fish cooked more, so he put it under a warmer for 30 seconds. Another guy took a bite of cake and said it was bad, so the server cut off the part that had a bite on it and then brought him the same piece of cake.
Were the people happy?
“Yeah. People want to just feel like they can control something.”
Find out what you’d do with no constraints
During this time, I expected to have a deep moment of truth where my plate is empty of everything except what’s is the meaning of my life. Which seems like the ultimate form of control.
That did happen. Sort of. I mean I did stop doing everything.
I spent the month watching true crime on YouTube — knowing how they turn out is the opposite of waiting for cancer results: immediately satisfying. I also wrote tons of notes to tell you about my favorites, like the Adelson trial: a treasure trove of digital evidence that state prosecutors all over the US sift through evidence on YouTube to help the Florida DA (who is great).
So I felt panic when my CT scan came back with no cancer: Did that mean I had to go back to my life before true crime?
Stick to your special interests
Luckily a different type of true crime popped up in my feed: The case of the disappearing Kate Middleton.
Even though the Royal Family is so incompetent with PR that they are making themselves look like criminals, I knew right away that Kate is on strike. Why? Because there’s precedent:
Months before, the Danish prince Frederick was caught cheating for the millionth time. So his wife Mary took their kids back to her parent’s home in Australia with no return date. Presumably Mary negotiated hard from Australia, because the queen of Denmark abdicated to get Mary to return to Frederick.
A few years earlier Princess Charlene of Monaco produced two heirs to the throne and fled home to South Africa due to a mysterious illness. In response, Prince Albert imported his other baby mama and their teenaged son. The people of Monaco weren’t having it; now Princess Charlene earns $10M a year be Prince Albert’s royal consort. Mysterious illness: gone.
So Kate’s mysterious illness requiring too many days in the hospital made me think of Charlene. Because like Charlene, the continuation of monarchy depends on Kate. I’m sure Kate is demanding a DNA test of Iris Cholmondeley (picture at the top). And she’s negotiating for full custody of the kids in the event of a divorce. Then William can choose to negotiate with Kate to save the entire British monarchy — or not.
Emotional control is key
Empress Masako of Japan declined many marriage proposals from the Emperor. To no avail. Her Harvard and Oxford degrees became decorative and she married, but she refused to smile in public. Now she no longer has public engagements. And that, really, is the power of the wife. No one wants a royal family that is not happy to be royal.
The job of a royal family is to like their job, but it’s a hard job to like. William was rejected by many upper class girls because the real privilege of wealth is getting to be rich and unhappy. The princesses are all gaining control by threatening to make their husband’s reign look unhappy.
I remember learning that no matter how much money we have, we always think we need 20% more. I think that’s probably the same with control. We find something we need more control over and we think we just need 20% more.
Meanwhile, back to me. I’m happy to not have cancer. I’m back to looking like I’m permanently ready for bed. My days are once again spent thinking I’m working on writing a blog post and not writing a blog post. And now I know for sure that if I were going to die tomorrow, this is what I’d want to be doing.
