When narcissists use these phrases, here’s what they really mean. A researcher specializing in narcissism and psychopathy shares the nine phrases that narcissists and psychopaths weaponize against their relationship partners to emotionally invalidate and gaslight them.
“We’re in this together. I am so looking forward to a future with you.”
When narcissists and psychopaths say this phrase, the future they are referring to is not the one they’re faking with you but rather the hidden agenda they have up their sleeve as they get you invested in them through love bombing. In a romantic relationship, this might mean anything from using you for sex, an ego stroke, a back-up plan, an addition to their harem, a place to live, or a way to con you and leech off your resources in the cases of psychopaths with parasitic lifestyles. Once they’ve fulfilled their agenda, they couldn’t care less — and to them, it’s a form of “winning” and they experience a sense of duping delight when they’re able to con an unsuspecting victim. Keep in mind, narcissists and psychopaths have to pull the wool over your eyes to “win.” That is why they become incensed when they see victims “win” (i.e. become successful, or move forward into their own future victoriously) even while playing fair, because that means victims didn’t need to play any mind games to come out on top — they did so on their own merit, competence, talent, and intelligence, while the narcissist had to resort to lying and deception to try to gain the upper hand.
“I wish you would let go of the past.”
Narcissists and psychopaths want you to let go of the past even as they keep repeating the same harmful behaviors in the present. This phrase is used to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and to avoid changing their unempathic behaviors toward you. In reality, if they truly wanted their victims to truly let go of the past, they should have stopped repeating it.
“Why are you always causing drama?”
This phrase is weaponized by narcissists to gaslight victims after provoking them chronically and deliberately into emotionally reacting. The truth is, many narcissistic and psychopathic individuals love to stir drama and chaos by inflicting pain on their victims after they feel slighted or even for no reason at all but sadistic pleasure. When you call them out, they will pathologize your emotions and pretend you are just someone who seeks out drama and creates it, rather than owning up to the fact that they manufactured situations to make you react in the first place.
“I just need a break from all this.”
While empathic people can request a break from a heated situation, they often communicate transparently and with integrity, not taking much time to get back to their partner after they’ve cooled off. Narcissists and psychopaths operate differently. When they ask for a so-called “break” from communication, if they even say this at all, it’s really a form of stonewalling and the silent treatment to punish you and teach you a lesson for fighting back against their abuse or manipulation. Many of them also orchestrate break-ups to exert power and control over you and pursue other targets or relationships on the side.
“Are we really right for each other?”
Anyone can say this phrase, but when narcissists and psychopaths say it specifically, they are doing so to create an intense fear of abandonment and uncertainty in their victims abruptly after heavy periods of love bombing and after their victims have “dared” to stand up to them and defend themselves against their mistreatment. Such a question places the focus immediately on the victim and attempts to gaslight the victim into believing it’s their issue if they set boundaries or ask to have their basic needs met. This phrase also minimizes their abuse or exploitation of the victim as a mere incompatibility or a defect and flaw in the victim rather than something the narcissist can easily address and fix.
“You are crazy and insecure.”
Truly secure people know how to advocate for themselves and express themselves in healthy ways. Narcissists and psychopaths often call their victims crazy and insecure because they do not wish them to find out about their transgressions or infidelity, and sense their victims may be catching on to their deceptive behavior. This discourages their victims from speaking out or doing further investigation to confirm their intuition.
“This isn’t about you.”
Translation: it’s really all about me. Any time the victim tries to ask why the narcissist is harming them or tries to talk about their feelings, the narcissist may center themselves or may pretend their actions have nothing to do with the victim personally all while staging personal attacks and continuing to carry out covert sabotage of the victim that is all too deeply deliberate. They weaponize the victim’s fears and traumas they know will harm them. It certainly is about the victim, but in their distorted perspective, it is also clearly all about the narcissist and meeting their own sadistic needs. They gain emotional fulfillment from trying to hinder their victim’s progress and taking attention away from the victim.
“You’re asking for too much.”
When a victim requests something perfectly reasonable and fair from the narcissist, something they have given to everyone else freely or the bare minimum, the narcissist or psychopath delights in trying to withhold it and make their victims work for it. They will make you think you’re asking for too much, when in reality, you’re probably not even asking for enough. They will try to depict their partner’s request as ludicrous or outrageous when it is anything but to try to make the victim feel ashamed of having basic needs and desires. This withholding tactic often takes place when the narcissist is dealing with someone they are envious of or feels is out of their league, so they feel compelled to bring them down to their level. The truth is, you were never asking for too much, especially if you gave to the narcissist generously. In a relationship with a narcissist, you were simply made to feel like you were never enough when you actually surpassed them. If you are trauma bonded to a narcissist, you are not alone and professional support is out there. You deserve to heal.
