Self-Care Sundaze

Dedicated to my imaginary friends Hoppy Soppy and Monster Scooter.

My therapist Peter-Tuesdays-At-Noon (and sometimes Peter-Fridays-At-Nine) said I need a healthier work/life balance. He suggested taking Sundays off, and doing whatever I want.

I asked him, “Could I write about it?” 

He said, “That’s work.” 

I said, “No, it’s fun.” 

He said, “If you must.”

So, with P.T.A.N.’s blessing every Sunday I’m making it my mission to get lifted and live more! 

TL;DR – Overall I’d give this Sunday an 8.4/10.

This Sunday I got high, drank coffee, ate a bagel, saw the movie IF with a friend, walked home, got high, ate pizza, watched NHL highlights and sneaker videos on Youtube, jacked off, went to bed.

If you’d like a more in-depth look into my self-care Sunday let’s get into it!

(Editor’s Note: There will not be an in-depth look into jacking off. We aren’t sure why he tried to fight us on this.)

THE KEY TO A BALANCED BREAKFAST IS AN EDIBLE

I usually start my mornings by checking my phone, and being called a cuck on Instagram — but not on Sundays! On Sunday, I began my morning with a 5mg gummy followed by checking a group text asking friends who can see a movie. 

The group text was off to a rocky start. 

So, I decided to check back later, and go get some breakfast. Maybe by then Steve Bannon will respond.

Walking into an Alfred coffee shop, the edible started to make my bones settle. I ordered my standard fare: a large iced black coffee. The barista asked if I wanted any milk, but I declined saying, “No thanks.” Low-key milk gives me diarrhea, but my intuition told me she didn’t want to hear that truth. 

After getting my coffee I turned the corner towards the Yeastie Boys bagel truck. I think the Beastie Boys are massively overrated [Editor’s Note: he’s wrong about this.], but Yeastie Boys are not. I grabbed an everything bagel with a jalapeno cheddar cream cheese schmear. They hooked the schmear up! I offered them an edible as thanks, but they said no so I ate theirs.

Great way to start a Sunday!

ONCE WE GOT TO THE MOVIE THINGS GOT OUT OF CONTROL

My good buddy Gabe texted me back to see IF at 4:30 at The Grove AMC Theater. 

We coordinated seating, and I locked the tickets in.

Movie theater seating is crucial for a stoner. I prefer a back corner seat like L1 so I can hit a vape throughout the movie. However, this was opening weekend, so call me Liam Neeson because my seat was Taken. Instead, I took an aisle seat with a clear pathway to the bathroom to go vape in a stall if the movie stunk.

This is where it goes south. As an AMC A-Lister I can see three movies a week for free, and I get to stand in a special VIP concession line that cuts in front of the peasants waiting for their snacks in the basic bitch regular line. A-List costs $25 a month, and is worth it in every way except one. They check every A-Lister’s ID when they scan your ticket. They claim it’s to make sure people aren’t sneaking into movies for free on someone else’s account. It makes me so mad. I don’t pay all this money every month, essentially keeping the movie industry in business single-handedly, to be treated like riff raff. You don’t check the plebs’ ID’s to make sure they’re who they say they are too.

What’s next? Making me wear a scarlet A on my Fear of God t-shirt to be allowed in? Fix it, AMC CEO Adam Aron. He follows me on Instagram so he will see this.

We also saw a table claiming to help your child be discovered in Hollywood, but after seeing Quiet on the Set this is giving big pedo/groomer vibes so I’m gonna move on.

IF ROCKS!

IF is rated PG. It was the perfect movie for a theater packed with families, and two very stoned dudes. We all had a blast. It’s two hours of childlike escapism filled with imaginary friends, silly jokes, vibrant montages, and swirling music. The perfect stoner cinematic experience — and not to brag but I figured out the twist in the kids movie before it was revealed.

I only had three complaints. 

1) Every review of it is written by adults, and they trash it. Hey Dumdum, it’s not for you. Let kids write reviews for kid movies. See it in a theater filled with children like we did, and you’ll hear them laughing, cheering, gasping in wonderment, and their parents finding a moment of peace.

2) Parents, pick up your trash. The theater was a disaster when the lights came up. Popcorn cartons, soda cups, and candy wrappers everywhere. Teach your kids to pick up after themselves so the people who work at AMC don’t have to do it. It’s gross, and you’re better than that. 



3) I took this pic when someone clapped after the Nicole Kidman commercial. Buddy, we’re past that. Its moment is up. Also, Nicole’s sitting in an empty theater for the whole thing. That’s not giving “I love movies” like you think it is.

WRAP IT UP LIKE A BLIZZIE

Sundaze rock. I’m all about taking the day off to get lifted and live life. I’m not sure what I’ll do next Sunday, but I hope Kelly Anne Conway is free. 

Mike Glazer is a comedian who loves weed. He’d love it if you followed him on Instagram and Youtube.