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Are You Nurturing or Coddling? — Frank Sonnenberg

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26 April 2024

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If you’ve ever shipped something valuable, I bet you took extra care to wrap it securely. By the same token, some folks treat their kids like delicate crystal — shielding them from adversity and disappointment. While I’m sure those parents have admirable intentions, well-intentioned plans can have unintended consequences. While nurturing promotes self-reliance, self-esteem, and a sense of personal responsibility, coddling undermines peoples’ confidence and creates a sense of dependency.

Caring parents jump right in to prevent their kids from falling. The problem is their involvement oftentimes doesn’t stop there. They micromanage their kids’ activities, make their decisions, and intervene in their affairs. Regrettably, they convey the notion that their kids lack the strength and the capacity to cope with challenging situations.

The best way to make things hard for people, is to make it too easy for them.

13 Ways People Are Coddled and Pampered

Here are 13 ways that people are coddled like infants:

Keep people on a short leash. Some folks “need” to know the whereabouts of people at all times.

Be overly involved. Some people are overprotective and overbearing. They’re often so close at hand that they’re mistaken for their shadow.

Hold their hand. Some folks insert themselves before people can learn the ropes themselves.

Make basic decisions. Some people doubt others’ capacity to make good choices. So, they make decisions for them.

Guard against adversity. Some folks shield others from disappointment because they don’t think they can handle it.

Discourage risk. Some people dissuade folks from doing difficult or challenging things because it could lead to disappointment.

Hold no one accountable. Some folks disparage discipline. After all, reprimanding people for bad behavior can “damage them for life.”

Bail people out of trouble. Some people bail folks out of trouble instead of allowing them to make things right themselves — or face the consequences.

Fight people’s battles. Some folks rescue people to avoid seeing them struggle.

Eliminate the concept of winners and losers. Some people can’t stomach the thought of a loss — leading to everyone receiving a trophy.

Provide cover for the guilty party. Some folks protect people by finding someone else to blame.

Filter what people hear. Some people shield folks from anything upsetting — including negative feedback.

Protect people from reality. Some folks provide a safe place where people are protected from harm — real or imagined.

Break the Cycle of Dependency

If this sounds familiar, don’t get down on yourself. I know your intentions are well-meaning. The problem is when coddled people go out in the “big, cruel world,” they stay within their comfort zone, have a hard time dealing with disappointment, quit before trying, and get easily overwhelmed by obstacles.

There’s a better way…

Nurturing provides care and support all within the comfort of a low-stakes, nonthreatening environment.

Here are 20 essential principles for nurturing to thrive:

Establish ambitious yet attainable standards.
Empower people to be self-reliant and self-sufficient.
Try to understand and relate to people’s feelings — showing compassion and empathy.
Offer a nonjudgmental environment to express one’s thoughts.
Promote personal and professional growth.
Urge people to step outside their comfort zone.
Empower people to think for themselves.
Pose rhetorical questions instead of providing direct answers.
Let people make their own choices.
Provide guidance rather than taking over and doing things for them.
Encourage people to question and scrutinize their ideas.
Promote lifelong learning.
Encourage people to learn from their mistakes — and the mistakes of others.
Offer constructive feedback by telling it like it is, rather than sugarcoating it.
Be patient. Understand that personal growth takes time.
Hold people accountable for their actions.
Help people discover resiliency in the face of adversity.
Offer words of motivation and positivity to boost confidence and morale.
Incentivize and acknowledge outstanding performance — based upon merit.
Impart moral values to serve as a compass in their life journey.

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.” When you give someone a fish, you provide them with immediate relief from hunger or need, but it’s a temporary solution that doesn’t address the root cause of their problem. Conversely, when you teach someone how to fish, you empower them with the skills they’ll need to provide for themselves over the long term.

This concept applies to all walks of life. It emphasizes the value of education, empowerment, and self-sufficiency over temporary assistance. What’s more, when people learn these valuable skills, they can pass that knowledge on to others — creating a positive ripple effect within their community. Are you nurturing or coddling?

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