“I Hated the Way [My] Show Ended”

Ellen DeGeneres has broken her silence about the end of her long-running talk show, Ellen, telling a sold-out crowd at a Hollywood theater on Wednesday night that she “hated the way the show ended” and found the experience “devastating.”

The comments were made during the first performance of DeGeneres’ “Ellen’s Last Stand…Up Tour” at the Largo at the Coronet Theater in Los Angeles, which featured material she’s been working on over the past six months. Speaking candidly about how she felt after reports about a “toxic work environment” at her show ultimately led to its end, she said, “It’s been such a toll on my ego and my self-esteem. There’s such extremes in this business, people either love you and idolize you or they hate you, and those people somehow are louder.”

At other points in her set (per Rolling Stone), DeGeneres attributed some of the criticism she faced to sexism, and called the experience “the second time [she’s] been kicked out of show business,” referring to the cancellation of her sitcom after her coming out as gay in the ‘90s. This time around was “a whole different thing,” though.

“This was like, ‘What is going on?’” DeGeneres said. “It was so hurtful. I couldn’t gain perspective. I couldn’t do anything to make myself understand that it wasn’t personal… I just thought, ‘Well this is not the way I wanted to end my career, but this is the way it’s ending.’”

After the main set, DeGeneres returned to the stage for a Q&A (which included a brief appearance by her wife, Portia de Rossi). When asked if she used dancing to help her through her recent struggles, DeGeneres replied “No, it’s hard to dance when you’re crying. But I am dancing now.”

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There were more moments where DeGeneres showed her heartbroken side — at one point in the Q&A she said, “I’m making jokes about what happened to me but it was devastating, really” — but the content seems to have been met with a very warm response from the audience, with Rolling Stone reporting “roaring applause” and an ovation.

So, perhaps this is DeGeneres finding a comfortable new home performing directly to her enduring fans. Or, maybe she’s on her way back into the fold of “show business,” which she joked would lead to her getting kicked out “for a third time because I’m mean, old, and gay.” Speaking to the audience at the Largo, she even claimed her tour would culminate with the taping of a Netflix special in the fall (though this has yet to be officially confirmed).

Either way, if you’d like to hear DeGeneres’ side of the story for yourself, check out her upcoming dates and grab tickets to her “Ellen’s Last Stand…Up Tour” here.