How to Reset Expectations When You’ve Been “Too Nice”

You don’t have to keep tolerating destructive behavior.
Here’s how to reset performance expectations.

You’ve been so nice. You care about _____ (your team, your boss, your co-workers, your career, not rocking the boat…) so you’ve looked the other way when the destructive behaviors started creeping in. 

You gave them the benefit of the doubt– because, you know, the being nice thing.

But NOW you’re looking around and thinking, “Wait, WHAT? How did we get HERE? How do you reset expectations when you’ve tolerated something before? #AskingforaFriend

I’ve heard variations on this issue at least 7 times this month.

“How did I let people scream and yell at me?”
“Why is my team thinking it’s okay to not meet our deadlines?”
“Why do I let my boss talk to me that way?”
“There’s this bully, but I don’t want to cause drama, so I just try to show up nice and accept it…”

And when we talk more there’s this moment of recognition, “It’s because I let them.”

And then the follow-up question. “Well, if I let this happen before, how can I reverse that tide and say it’s not okay.”

How to Reset Performance Expectations When Bad Behaviors Have Gone Too Far

It’s not too late to teach people how to treat you. Here’s how to have the conversation.  First, remember that it’s not nice to let people behave poorly. You are doing them, you and your work a disservice to allow them to continue destructive behavior.

See Also: Beyond Magical Thinking: How to Ensure Your Team Get’s It.

1. Start by owning it in one-on-one conversations. (CONNECTION)

“As we head into the new year, I’d like to reset expectations for our work together. And I take complete ownership for this because I have looked the other way with some things that aren’t working. They’re not serving you, me, our relationship, our customers, or our results…”

2. Get specific (without blame, and concrete examples). (CLARITY)

“For example, this is the third time you’ve screamed at me this week.”  Or, “We agreed that this report would be complete by Wednesday at 3 pm EST. You’ve turned it in on Friday every week this month.”

3. Describe your hope and vision for what’s possible. (CLARITY)

“I care about our relationship and our work together. Here’s what success looks like from my perspective.”

4. Ask for what you need. (CLARITY)

“Can we agree to ________.”

5. Get curious. (CURIOSITY)

“What does this look like from your perspective?”

6. Move the conversation to a shared agreement with specific next steps. (COMMITMENT)

“So to recap we’ve agreed to _________”

Just because you have accepted some negative behaviors in the past, does not mean you need to carry them into 2025.