Why Do People with ADHD Lie? It’s Complicated
Lying is characterized as a common expression of ADHD. It is also widely seen as a character flaw. But people with ADHD don’t bend the truth because they’re inherently flawed; we often lie for one or more of the following perfectly good reasons:
1. Impulsivity. We may blurt out something that isn’t true, and then not feel like we’re able to take it back.
2. Fear of punishment. Those of us with ADHD know what it is to slip up and face consequences — at school, at home, in the workplace, and in life all around. Bending the truth helps us avoid punishment when being criticized for one more thing may be too much to bear.
3. Forgetfulness. We don’t always remember what we say or do. We remember it one way and swear it happened (or didn’t) that way even if it didn’t.
4. Rejection sensitivity. It’s not an exaggeration to say that, for some people, the experience of rejection reaches death-of-a-loved-one levels. Fear of rejection, and the very real, very debilitating distress it can cause, may push us to tell a palatable lie rather than a painful truth.
I relate to all of these reasons for truth-bending. But there is a lot more to it — aspects of which touch on the complex, unspoken parts of the social contract, and how much information we owe others.
[Read: Fight, Flight, Freeze… or Fib?]
Lying, or Selectively Sharing?
There’s lying, and then there’s leaving out information. As a fairly private person, I am selective about what I share. I may give out some details, but not all. And many times I have been accused of lying for not telling the full story. Sometimes it’s not about privacy, but about conserving energy. I leave out information if it would require me to speak or think for longer than I have my bandwidth will allow.
Lying, Or Needing Time to Process?
Related to energy-spending is processing speed. With a neurodivergent brain, it does take me longer than average to process certain things. Unfortunately, this has put me in uncomfortable situations where I am perceived as having lied.
I remember an incident from a decade ago that still stings. Ahead of an event, I indicated spare ribs in the dinner RSVP card, or at least I thought I did. Turns out I had ordered prime rib. On the day of, fully convinced that I ordered spare ribs, I told the event coordinator when my food arrived, “I didn’t order this.” “Yes, you did,” she responded, and added that I should just say I don’t want the dish instead of pretending that I didn’t order it.
I froze. I was confused, thrown off by the coordinator’s reaction, and I was called a liar. I needed a minute to process what had happened and explain myself, but that wasn’t afforded to me. So I gave in and said, “I don’t want it.”
Now imagine growing up with undiagnosed ADHD, as I did, where these experiences happened over and over and over.
[Read: “Oversharing Is My Default Mode. So Is the RSD-Induced Shame I Feel Afterward.”]
The Whole Truth, And Nothing But?
I am a private person, in part, because I have struggled with a lifetime of feeling like I talk too much. I worry about oversharing.
Recently, a friend asked me about the medals on my walls. I have medals for completing virtual tours through The Conqueror Challenges. And I have medals that celebrate my sobriety milestones. In that moment, I only told my friend about medals in the former category.
Was it wrong to leave out the truth that some of my medals had to do with freedom from substances? I have zero shame about those medals, and I am proud to be substance-free. Everyone, including my friend, knows I no longer drink or use any other type of mind-altering substance.
But I left out those medals because mentioning them may have led to a longer conversation where I might have rambled, gone off topic, or accidentally gone into “trauma dumping” territory. Still, if this is a friend we’re talking about, shouldn’t I have felt comfortable sharing? Does my omission count as a lie?
Lying, or Not Given the Benefit of the Doubt?
Living with ADHD puts us in situations that often cause us to question our relationship to the truth. We withhold information for fear of oversharing, only to learn that the information was vital to the story. Or we withhold information because we’re not comfortable sharing. Sometimes telling a white lie feels like the end of the world. And, sometimes, when we bring our whole selves, it backfires, and we’re not sure why. We overthink social situations that most would quickly forget about.
No matter the reason for bending or concealing the truth, it’s frustrating and defeating when we’re viewed as flawed people who seek to intentionally deceive and harm. What we need – what we’ve always needed – is the benefit of the doubt.
Why Do People with ADHD Lie? Next Steps
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