Autistic Black Kid with ADHD on Growing Up AuDHD

I’m a member of the growing group of people who are learning of their neurodivergence in adulthood. At 37, I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism.

Daily life is interesting, to say the least, with two conditions that try to pull me in different directions.

I don’t really lose car keys or paperwork. Still, my home office is a mess.

I can focus for hours on my favorite topics and watch video after video on YouTube. But I seriously lose focus when I have to read lines and lines of text, especially if the information does not engage me.

I have quicker access to my emotions than most men, I suppose, which I’ve been bullied and teased over since childhood.

I wait until the last possible moment to get something done. (Though procrastination is something I’m getting better at addressing.) And I used to struggle a lot more with anxiety, especially over changing plans, and experience frequent meltdowns that left me feeling angry and ashamed.

Sensory sensitivities? I have a few. Noise-cancelling headphones are my source of comfort. I cover my ears when an ambulance blares by. Wood floors prevail over carpeted ones. You’ll seldom catch me barefoot.

Growing Up AuDHD and Not Knowing It

Much of my life did not make sense to me prior to my diagnoses. I was the quirky kid who struggled to fit in and who didn’t think and act like his peers. I lived in my head most of the time, coming up with all kinds of stories and doodles. In many ways, being neurodivergent, even if I didn’t know it, kept me out of trouble.

When I was placed in special education classes in elementary school, the only explanation I was given was that I was “slow.” Though teachers and psychologists told my mother that I had ADHD, she did not accept the diagnosis for fear of stigma. What would become of a Black boy with the ADHD label who also took meds? So, the diagnosis was kept from me — as were accommodations that could have helped me.

[Read: Why ADHD Is Different for People of Color]

My life began to slowly fall apart in adulthood. I felt like an impulsive, uninterested kid inside the body of a fully grown man. Finally, I sought answers for myself.

Being AuDHD Has Opened Up My World

Learning I was autistic and had inattentive ADHD gave me so many answers and set me on a path to better coping. On me most of the time are my trusted noise-cancelling headphones and a sketchbook with my favorite pens and pencils. My phone and laptop help me stay organized and keep up with day-to-day tasks. I am careful about carving out time to journal and sketch, which curbs my anxiety. I also have a support system that includes my wife, friends, family, and my church family. And I’m learning to rest and take time for myself when I need to, without guilt or shame, and well before reaching burnout.

Like many people who learn of their neurodivergence later in life, I was relieved, but I also mourned. I realized how hard I had been on my younger self — the autistic Black kid with ADHD who had no clue why he was so different. I didn’t think or behave in ways that fit cultural stereotypes. I masked a lot, and most of my interactions with people were scripted, a skill learned from years of studying the communication styles of TV news anchors.

At the same time, being ADHD and autistic has opened my world. I think differently and help others do the same. I often find answers and solutions that haven’t occurred to others. I feel deeply, which makes me compassionate and sensitive to the needs of people. The knowledge I’ve picked up from my special interests and hobbies makes me a reliable source, or at the very least someone who makes good conversation.

If ADHD and autism separately are still widely misunderstood, auDHD is on a different level. I share my diagnosis regularly with people looking for evidence of what I have, not realizing that auDHD doesn’t have a look or race, and that there isn’t a singular auDHD experience.

My advice for late-diagnosed auDHD adults, especially for Black men, would be to be patient as you begin to uncover your layers. It is natural to dwell on the many years you pushed through feeling different. But it is also an opportunity to advocate for others who grew up just like you. Your diagnosis will serve as an open door, inviting others to explore their mental health needs and challenge their thoughts about neurodivergence.

Could You Be AuDHD? Next Steps

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