How to Make Friends in College: ADHD Social Guide
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When social expectations are well-defined — at home with family, in a classroom, or in online forums — my daughter, Willa, shines. But when the rules of social engagement are unclear, she switches off like a light.
The lag in her social skills — not uncommon among individuals with ADHD — made for rough going during her first semester in college. She started strong in planned group activities but floundered once they ended. A bout with COVID and the stress of a rigorous course load compounded her isolation, and by the time Willa came home for winter break, she was pretty miserable.
Something had to change. I couldn’t bear to see my sweet kid so unhappy at her first-choice college, a perfect-for-her place full of like-minded kids who could be her besties.
Why Friendships Are Hard to Foster
Follow-through was the primary issue for Willa. She’d enjoy lunch with a group but lose track of where they’d head next. She’d have a great conversation with someone but fail to get their name or number. Or she’d let weeks go by without reaching out to a cool kid she’d met. She was constantly starting back at square one, which was exhausting and nerve-wracking.
What Willa needed was continuity — the opportunity to build on new connections so they could blossom into nourishing relationships in which she felt at ease. So I came up with a plan – a game I call Friendship Bingo.
[Get This Free Download: The ADHD Guide to Making Friends]
Friendship Bingo, Explained
Willa and I made a list of potential friends she had met during the first semester. Her mission for the next semester was to find various ways to connect with each of them several times over a week, from dinners and walks back from class to study sessions. The idea was that stacking multiple interactions with someone within a short span of time would make Willa feel solid enough to relax and be her charming self.
We aimed for three outside-of-class-or-club interactions per week. Two could be dining hall meals, the easiest opportunity for hanging out, but one had to be something else — anything unstructured and social. And we agreed that, over the course of several weeks, Willa would try this with different people, to give herself options in case she didn’t vibe with someone.
The “bingo card” she ended up with looked something like this:
| Friend | Week 1, Meal 1 | Week 1, Meal 2 | Other Hangout | Bonus Hangouts |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Hannah | 🥰 | 🥰 | 🥰 | 🥰 |
| Finn | 🥰 | 🥰 | 🥰 | 🥰🥰 |
| Isobel | 🥰 | 🥰 | 🥰! | 🥰! |
| Tye | 🥰 | 🥰! | 🥰! | |
| Summer | 🥰 | 🥰 | 🥰 | 🥰 |
The chart appealed to Willa’s love of spreadsheets and data and made it easy to see and celebrate wins. It also made it clear with whom Willa was undeniably becoming real friends.
In Willa’s Words: Friendship Bingo Works
I was initially doubtful about Friendship Bingo. I was anxious about “failing” the goals and uncertain I would make progress. But I was proven wrong – it was amazing how quickly Friendship Bingo showed meaningful results.
[Read: Making Friends in College – a Buddy System]
1. Most People Say Yes
I started small, texting people and asking if they wanted to eat together. Sometimes they responded, “Sorry, I have other plans” or, “Sorry, I have homework,” and I had to work to reel my rejection-sensitive brain back from “THEY HATE ME.” But more often than not, people said yes, and that felt good! And the more meals I ate with different groups, the better I was able to determine who I enjoyed spending time with.
2. My Social Battery Doesn’t Deplete So Fast
Most importantly, Friendship Bingo helped me expand my capacity for socializing. The game encourages constant practice, which made socializing feel more natural, as I was able to spend longer periods with people without feeling tired or overstimulated.
3. Making Friends Doesn’t Feel Like a Mystery Anymore
Friendship Bingo was a stroke of genius because it hit on two things that are crucial for me: 1) specific goals, and 2) a gamified system to help me reach those goals. The game demystified friendships for me, making the process feel less like a mysterious labyrinth to navigate and more like a formula of repeated (but manageable) social encounters and effort that I could track.
The real breakthrough came a few weeks into the game, when I went to brunch with two people with whom I’d been regularly hanging out One of them mentioned visiting the woods behind the school, and I spontaneously went along! After that, we made our way into town for bubble tea, where another friend joined, and we all stopped by a comic book store before heading back to campus. It was a solid half-day of unplanned, unstructured social time, the longest I’d had since starting college. And it felt incredible.
Those three people I spent that successful day with went on to become my best friends. We eat dinner together regularly, text each other over school breaks, have a standing Dungeons & Dragons campaign, and cheer each other up when we’re stressed. It’s made a world of difference to my confidence and happiness to have these close friendships.
How to Make Friends in College: Next Steps
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