The British royal family has ended

Update, March 22, 2024. In a video released today Kate Middleton said that following recent surgery her doctors found cancer, and she’s now undergoing chemotherapy. I think a lot of what I wrote below still stands. But I have so much admiration and respect for Kate and that extends beyond my need to be right. So I’m posting this news, and I’m going to give her space, because that’s what she wants.

William is done being heir to the throne. Not completely surprising since ruling the royal roost destroyed the lives of everyone before him.

Maybe the throne would have been manageable for William if women he dated wanted to be royal. But only Kate would put up with it. Maybe the throne would have been manageable if Harry had played along. But that’s over. Now Charles has pancreatic cancer which means he’ll be dying imminently. And this is ruining all of William’s plans.

William’s affair with Rose Hanbury was intricately planned 7 years ago: she married Lord Rocksavage who is gay but needed an heir because he has one of the largest estates in England. Without having dated Rose or any other woman, Rocksavage and Hanbury married, conveniently living next door to William.

Hanbury’s twin boys are an heir and a spare. Her third child is widely thought to be William’s. Not just because she looks like him but also because Rocksavage was not in the country when she was conceived (his boyfriend is in France) and William was openly spending his time with Hanbury during that period when Kate was pregnant. (If you click one link in this post, click that one.)

But this isn’t enough for William. It’s not enough that he can have affairs, and extra children, and still keep his own family for show. We know already that William has a temper. He’s taken it out on Harry (who wrote about it) and Kate (leaked by household staff for years). This is all to say that people with unrestrained tempers expect to get what they want.

The British Press is a lame-duck extension of the royal family and kills stories about the affair. But the world’s now one big newspaper on this topic. The French report on Rocksavage (proximity), the Scottish report on news of Hanbury (a Daily Mail reporter lives there) and the Spanish are covering Kate’s disappearance because the long-time royal nanny was just fired (quit?) and she is Spanish.

The Americans play the role of media circus. Places like TMZ and late-night TV can tread where no other outlets would go. The result is that the royal family has made so many absurd announcements, filled with the kind of lies that only come from someone who doesn’t care anymore.

So what is really happening? Kate is on strike and refusing to make appearances so she can negotiate from a stronger position. This tactic has precedent in modern times: you need more than good lawyers to stand up to a crown prince. And look, I’m not a fan of Meghan Markle’s antics, but I do think she’s shined a bright light on the vapidity of life as a royal: the royal engagements are boorish, and a life of service is not exactly exciting either.

So maybe William will dissolve the monarchy. Kate will have agreed to look like she got a good deal, whatever that (surely very good) deal will be. And William will go live with Rose Hanbury on the Rocksavage estate. In a way, it would kind of be a happy ending: William gets rid of Kate and the monarchy, Kate gets to raise her kids the way she wants, Rocksavage gets to feel like he’s taken care of his line, and Hanbury gets rewarded for her impeccable silence over nearly a decade.

The only problem? The same problem in every divorce. Children lose a father figure. Moreover, the children receive the message that parents put their own happiness ahead of the children’s happiness. And this, at its core, is what’s wrong with the Royal Family: No matter how rich or important the parents are, there’s no reason for any family to think there’s something more important than the children.